edge of seventeen

i've never had a straight guy.

correction. i had a straight guy within my grasp, but was too chickenshit to act on it. despite the fact that the door was wide open.

K1 and i were both sixteen and in the same biology class. i was a well-read (for a 16 y.o.) question mark to my peers. K1 was on the varsity football team and wrestling squad, but was somewhat of an outcast. where everyone else in our school listened to nirvana, pearl jam and stone temple pilots - he rocked out to motley crue. to the derision of many of our classmates, he openly talked about getting a tattoo; this, when tattoos were not in vogue.

we were both anomalies to our peers. and seeing that attribute in each other was why there was a mutual attraction.

K1 was, at best, pleasant looking in a very unremarkable way. he was at the indetermined line between blond and brunette - and had a frequent case of severe bed-head. his blue eyes were neither storm-filled nor sunny; they were always perpetually overcast.

but the thing one noticed immediately about K1 was his body. training for football and wrestling had given him a man's body instead of a seventeen years old. he was all long, lean definition and ice-blue veins.

one day after classes, we were at his home, engaged in the typical teenage boy habit of 'doing nothing'. inexplicably, he asked me if i want to watch a porn. after a comically pregnant pause, i say yes.

it turns out to be straight porn. but when you are 16 - and the only dick you've seen is your own - beggars certainly aren't choosers.

inevitably as we watch the porn, the conversation turns to sex. during this discussion, i admit that i am 'interested' in guys. looking back on it - i realize how daring that confession was, considering how things could have gone. even more amazing, K1 admits to messing around with guys in the past. ever the nosy slut even when i was a scaredy-cat virgin, i slyly pry for info - but he won't budge.

we recline on the floor, watching a woman get vigorously fucked by her male co-star. i can't decide if K1 becomes more attentive when there are close-ups of the guy's dick, or if its wishful thinking.

and as all this occurs, another inexplicable event transpires: we begin to wrestle.

reflecting on this, its safe to assume that K1 was testing the waters. regrettably, i was too chickenshit to think straight. (pun not intended).

after 30 minutes we finally stop. K1 looks how i certainly feel - slightly winded and horny as fuck. i excuse myself to drive home. i don't realize i'm speeding till i bring my car to a halt nearly halfway across our front yard.

amazingly the exact same thing happens the next day. and the next. and soon a routine emerges: we put on a straight porn and then wrestle. a few times, we come very close to making out as we 'struggle' with each other. but as suddenly as it started - it stops. no rhyme or reason or incident to trigger it. we simply just stop.

there wasn't the expected cliche one would expect with such an encounter; the dynamics within our friendship remained the same. it seemed we had come to a silent mutual agreement and the opportunity to for us to act had, quite simply, passed.

eventually, we begin to move in different directions academically and socially. i was a tightly wound over-achiever who saw a.p. classes as a means to get into college (and the hell out of dodge) post-hasty; K1 was a minimally motivated introvert who was more interested in learning how to repair cars and getting an F150. but, despite being in a high school weaned on '90210' social/class divisions, we still managed to maintain our friendship. at one point, i even met his girlfriend.

so it was a kick in the chest when he told me he and his family were moving away right after our junior term was to end.

in the last weeks leading up to the end of term, the school received our annual yearbooks. K1 gave me a small picture of himself. he was in his football uniform, his characteristic non-smile firmly in place. but the back of the picture was the true surprise; it was filled with his scratchy penmenship explaining how much our friendship meant to him and how we wished we had hung out more.

he and his family moved a few weeks later.

we didn't talk again to nearly a year later. we discussed our post-high school life plans. i was aimed, like a strung longbow, towards college. he was focused on starting his mechanic and repair classes at a nearby community college.

i told him of my coming out to everyone (sans the parentals). he talked about how he and his girlfriend discussed living together. plans to meet were made - and we both were earnest and focused on making it happen. we concluded the call promising to follow-up in two weeks.

after that call, we never talked or saw each other again. at the risk of sounding wistful, i think life - and not a desire to avoid the other - just got in our way.

out of curiosity, i goggled K1 not too long ago. just to see. he still lives in wisconsin - and in an (even smaller) town that his family moved to. and he's still with his girlfriend.

although now she's his wife.

looking back, i think it was better we didn't mess around. i certainly wanted him sexually - but i wasn't as savvy about such matters as i am now. at that point, i was all fresh baked cookies and powdered sugar when it came to guys, sex and my emotions and i most definitely would have confused sex with emotions and screwed everything up. and as taciturn as he was at times, who knows what he made of it.

so, in the long run, it was probably for the best.