like the title of pink’s recent cd...

...i'm not dead.

holy goddamn, right? i know. i totally suck for not writing. like, jackass-y levels of suck. two fucking months of not posting. you can blame number 3 (see below) for this shit. not even a nice, hot bath and a chewed oxycontin was getting any words out of my brain.

reader's digest version (in no particular order):

1. work. like crazy, crazy hours
2. a(n extended) family member's passing
3. writer's block
4. still getting laid...barely
5. a mind-fucky fuck buddy
6. candyass
7. three little words

i'll have info on most of this soon - promise. plus, at the risk of sounding pompous in assuming you even want to know - more book and music reccos coming . i've read/heard some interesting shit. fo' reals.

hello? [echo]

shit. man i have a lotta work to do, eh? oh - and i gotta publicly apologize to "nyc nyc": my total bad in missing your email this past may. i would've nailed your ass for sure.

taxicab impression

it's three in the morning on a saturday. i'm meeting up with candyass in a few hours, so i really should be at home getting some sleep. but thankfully i was still wide awake when i got a call from one of the few guys i'm hard pressed to ever turn down.

he's a repeat - but not like any dude i've ever had sex with. he doesn't like to kiss (much) - just likes to swap head and get fucked. preferably on all fours. but when i do get him on his back - he likes to grab me on both sides of my waist to hold on.

he also has this thing where he likes for both of us to wear baseball hats (turned backwards) and jockstraps (basic white) when we get it on. the first time he requested it - i assumed it was your typical posturing. later i find out he actually is a former semi-pro athlete. and admittedly, he gives the whole jocks-with-cocks vibe a very specific energy that i don't often find in my regular encounters.

but i'm digressing. i'm in a cab on the outer drive heading down to lakeview and the driver overshoots by one exit. he's instantly apologetic. almost too much so - he even offers to turn off the meter. as we head back toward the right direction - i give my guy a call. we engage in the whole "we're having sex talk but not really because one person is in a public place" spiel. the cabdriver glances at me through the rear-view.

we pull up in front of the guy's high-rise. as the driver counts out my remaining bills, i pull my baseball hat out of my jacket pocket - put it on backwards.

he stares at me in the rearview - sphinx-like. i give him the eye right back. seconds elapse. finally he says:

"be sure to be careful, alright?"
the words break the silence into quickly melting floes. i smile back at him. "i always am."

amy winehouse

uh-oh spaghetti o's - i'm biting another buddy's post. drub, the bastard, beat me to the punch. so click on over and read his post.

and if you didn't click through - he did a write up about a singer from the u.k. who is receiving an increasing amount of press (and props) lately - amy winehouse.

and you know what? she deserves all the press - she's fucking amazing.

her album - "back to black" - is one of the best albums i've heard in forever. you know how when you buy a album (even of an artist you really dig) - and there's a big chance at least half of the content is filler or b-sides? (yeah - you know what i'm talking about.) no such case here. no fluff. no shitty song stuck between two awesome ones. no front-loading the cd with good songs and sticking the crappier songs in the second half. it's aural perfection from first song to last. she kills it every time.

go and listen. play her lead song (and current single), "rehab". or "you know i'm no good". or the title track. you can't stop listening. despite being 23 - she has the type of voice that knows shit. better - she knows your shit. and both her singning and song production has this incredible fusion of genres and time periods.

and if this sounds like (obviously figurative) dick-stroking, then i cop to it. it's that crazy good.

go buy it. right now.

parties - "boys" & "favors"

i'm in a guy's flat. specifically, in a bedroom lit by ten fat candles. as a result, the room is borderline humid - so i'm sweating like crazy. the guy and i are grudge-fucking on his bed.

i'll explain how i got here.

we met on a4a. we had chatted for about two weeks but couldn't get our acts together to meet. his profile pictures were just okay - but something about his emails kept me interested. while he wasn't exactly assertive about what he wanted - there was something in the little he did say that made it clear he was was good at being no good.

today finally worked - and i needed to burn off some steam.

he answered the door while talking on his cell - naked. and wearing only a silver domino mask. i seriously considered turning around and leaving right then. but he pulled me in and immediately led me to the bedroom.

he's off the phone within a half minute of this. but from what i could hear its pretty apparent he's a party boy. you fuck enough party boys - you get wise to the signs. which explained the masked nudity.

ironically, he looks like chris pontius. that is, if chris pontius had quadruple the amount of tattoos. and was gay. and used tina regularly.

but back to the story.

he puts me in his chaps and a collar-to-cock ring harness. he asks if i want anyThing. i decline - but do accept a shot (G)lass of hospitality.

i get him all fours and eat his ass. and eat. and eat. i maybe come up for air a few times every ten minutes. but why bother with oxygen when the aroma of a man's ripe hole is the air i breath? he smells delicious. a little bit of soap - but mostly that strong guy smell. my dick is aching - he smells that damn good.

i fuck him on his back. he's a good kisser - long and deep with lots of tongue and spit. i pull out completely and drive all the way in. he's a bold fucker: eyes open and staring into mine as he flexes his hole. without words, his message is intent: fuck me like you mean it. i stare back and oblige him.

he leans his head forward and bites down hard on my shoulder. i like being bit - but this is rougher than i'm used. but...it feels good. it feels like static lighting. i bark at him to do it again. i haul my dick deeply into him as a response. the grudge fuck vibe re-emerges.

eventually, we break. his phone rings. after a minute PB turns to me: "wanna have a three way?"
"who?"
"cuban. amazing body. loves to get fucked."
"eh. not in the mood to top two bottoms"
"he's vers. you can take turns fucking me."
"giddy-up then."

45 minutes later, we're all piled on the bed. PB is closest to the mattress, with the cuban plugged into his ass. i'm on top of the cuban (we'll call him marco), my legs spread on either side of him - feet planted on the bed. we're locked in daisy-chain fuck. there's a long horizontal mirror that gives us a wide-screen shot. we all stare to watch the multicolored thighs, asses, dicks, and arms that flex, sweat and thrust.

we alternate. sometimes i fuck marco as PB sucks him off. another time marco fucks PB as i watch - entranced. i occasionally lend a helping hand by guiding marco's 10 inches into PB's hole. he sometimes pulls out so i can clean his dick off with my mouth. anything to help.

at one point an accomplishment is reached: after much spit and coaxing, i fit PB's dick and balls fully into my mouth. his dick is literally tickling my uvula - he gasps and moans.

i fuck marco again as PB watches and jerks off. marco gets PB flat on his back and pounds him so hard that PB's head bounces on the mattress. marco announces he's cumming and twitch-fucks PB is he drops his load. marco pulls out and i go in. the heat and marco's cum/lube is almost too much - i start to cum. i pull out and drop a load on PB's chest. i eat it off - kiss him. do it again. marco leans in and i feed some into his mouth as well.

PB's phone rings again. more party-ish talk. he turns to us, announces another dude will be stopping by to also play.

that' my cue to head out. as much as i like group play - i shy away from the party group play. a few years back, i indulged my taste for play parties. during this period i noticed that two types of scenes occurred once it moved from a 3-way to a group setting: either circular druggy talk that is only fun when you're an active participant (and for this i wasn't) or that tense paranoiac vibe when people don't process their shit well and strangers freak them out.

either way too much work. tonight i had my fun - after showering, i jetted.

a faux pas so dumb i can't even think of a clever title

in the car with a friend. talking about sex (of course). we're chatting about sex-partner deal-breakers.

he: "i can't have sex with someone with a jacked up grill."
me: "really?"
he: "really."
me: "if he's face down in the pillow - does it matter?"
he: "slut."
me: "well, yes. you knew this."

it continues like this. other nays include: a man with disproportionally small hands/feet (me). a man with cheap looking shoes (him). a man with unclipped nails (me). a man with pancake ass (him). a man who whines about how bigger dicks "hurt" (anyone with sense really. crybaby).

then i say..."i can't have sex with someone whose significantly shorter than me. feels weird. like chris hanson might burst through the door."
he: (laughs) "how short are we talking?"
me: "oh i don't know. like five-nine."
he: "that's not short."
me: "it's chuck-e-cheese short."
he: (silence)
me: (oblivious) "like car-seat short."

i chuckle at my oh-so witty rejoinder. seconds elapse. i continue eating my mentos. more seconds pass. i look over - he's staring straight ahead, lips compressed. looks seriously irked.

and that's when i remember. he's barely skirting five-nine.*

oy. note to self: open mouth/remove foot. plus i must start remembering that when playing a game of "yay or nay" to ensure persons in convo (who are not me) do not possess discussed nays.

*(oh man. this anecdote is totally setting me up to get lambasted by short(er) guys. have no fear - i'm kidding about the height thing. i'm a size queen only for the thing that really matters. ba-dum-bum.)

stupid shit: the hook-up edition

goddamn. starting the work-week already in a funk. getting laid this weekend was a chore. sometimes it's like drive-thru - and other times the amount of stupid shit makes my head hurt.

the following is bullshit people do on (hook-up) sites. i'm pretty sure that, of those who hook-up online, all of us has gone through various combinations of the things below. i just felt like bitching about it. coitus vox populi.

1. a dude who posts pictures of his dick and/or ass and is "scandalized" when a person hits him up for fucking. and not just a sideview of his ass - but a spreadeagled "his-hole is-thisclose to the lens" picture. and he gets pissy when asked if he's looking to get fucked. dumbfounding.
2. a dude who uses his profile as a manifesto to complain about the "meaninglessness" of the hook-up scene, and how empty sex is, and how he is looking for something meaningful...ZZzzzZZ. wake the fuck up - you're on the online equivalent of a bathhouse. please give me an unapologetic slut (tm jesse archer) anyday.
3. a bottom who will ask you "to bring another top". i like a good gangbang as much as the next dude - but we don't travel in packs. b.y.o.t., stupidass.
4. one-word emails. typically just "nice pix" or "sup?" how 'bout asking me something less vague like, "will you cum on my face?" or "can i piss on your chest?"
5. "the calendar fuck". a dude who is looking to fuck five hours from now. or more annoying, the out-of-towner who is trying to book something, like, next fucking week. shithead. my dick is hard right now. not in six hours - and not next fucking week (i mean, it probably will be..but come the fuck on...)
6. the dude who types ALL IN CAPS LOCKS.
7. the "no femme, no short, no fat, no old, no young, no bi, no neg, no poz, no black, no white, no purple/green/magenta" jesus, dude...who will you fuck, then?
8. endless emails: question upon question. upon fucking question. most of which could be answered if the dude read my profile. if he's this clueless during the cruising portion - you know the sex portion will be a black hole of uselessness.
9. the dude who asks for more pictures, despite already seeing the ones already in my profile. this is not a modelling agency. i do not have a portfolio for your viewing amusement, fucknut.

i'm in a mood - off to bed.

survey says!...

god of war 2 came out this week: so duty calls. the following is a half-ass attempt to stay regular with my posting.

fyi: i stole this from jemp. (thanks, man!)

1. l.a. or new york:
new york

2. red or white wine:
white

3. what's something a member of the same gender can wear to turn you on:
a jockstrap and army boots.

4. what's something a member of the same gender can wear to turn you off:
sculpted eyebrows

5. who was the last person you kissed:
....candyass. hrm.

6. favorite cuss word:
g*ddamnit

7. favorite non-alcoholic drink:
cranberry sierra mist is my kryptonite...which is good because they only sell it during the christmas season

8. blondes or brunettes:
whomever currently has my dick up his ass.

9. what's something you always have on you:
orbit lemon-lime flavored gum. really. it's the shit.

10. do you stay awake in bed thinking or do you fall asleep fast:
fall asleep fast

11. what celebrity would you like to fight most:
if you mean porn-y type of cage-fighting that leads to a hot, sweat-soaked fuck session...then chris meloni.

12. What's the last thing that made you cry or get teary eyed:
i'm heartless - so i don't cry.

13. What's your favorite holiday:
christmas

14. What are you listening to right now:
the silence of a rapidly emptying office.

15. Are your parents still together:
no

16. If you inherited $20 million, what are the first 5 things you'd do with the money:
a. quit my day job
b. settle debts
c. buy a vintage plymouth barracuda (leather seats, custom rims, killer sound system...god i already have a hard-on)
d. buy a ducati 1098 s tricolore superbike
e. set up a trust for friends/family

17. what was the best year of your life:
this year

18. why:
because i'm coming into my own as an adult man

19. have you ever flown first class:
of course.

20. who was your first real kiss:
my first boyfriend

21. what are you SUPPOSED to be doing right now:
leaving the office.

22. pro life or pro choice:
pro-choice

23. favorite physical feature on the same sex:
a man with tattoos always go to the front of the line.

24. how old are you today:
30

25. who do you have a crush on that doesn't know it yet:
what's this 'crush' nonsense? if i want someone - they know it.

26. best movie you've seen this year:
"the devil wears prada" - streep kicked all sorts of ass.

27. ever been in love:
yes.

28. who makes you laugh the most:
one of my best friends: M

29. where do you want to be living in 20 years:
i can barely decide what i'm doing next weekend

30. what was the last CD you downloaded:
"back to black" by amy winehouse.

31. south park or the simpson's:
south park

32. breakfast, lunch or dinner:
brunch.

33. when was the last time you talked to your mom:
two years ago

36. american, cheddar or swiss cheese:
swiss

(37?)

38. are you sleepy:
no...irritated.

39. when was the last time you were drunk:
couple years ago. now the last time i was druggy...well, that's another story...

40. what do you want on your tombstone:
"he stood his ground to the last."

41. your name spelled backwards:
enitrebil ed omoh

(42?)

43. what was the last thing downloaded on your computer:
a sex vid from machofucker

44. Your favorite restaurant:
joe's stone crab

(45?)

46. are you in love:
....

47. what type of music do you dislike most:
hippie rock.

48. are you registered to vote:
yes.

49. do you have a car:
not since i moved to chicago

50. one thing you want right now:
to be one of the idle rich

51. ever prank call anyone:
yes

52. if you could be a famous person for a day who would you be:
i'm already famous in my own mind

53. would you go bungee jumping or skydiving:
skydiving.

54. where do you want to be in 5 years:
again - i can barely discern what i want to do next week...