like a virgin

"why a sex blog?"

i was sitting with a friend to have some thai. we were discussing our current creative endeavors (he's in the visual arts). we were discussing the fleshbot mention - and how i never really expected it (or any kind of exposure). i was explaining the sort of things i blog about when he asked that question.

i gave the following three answers (i'll let you decide which was the primary reason):

1. i wanted a creative outlet
2. i wanted to titillate
3. i wanted a new way to get laid

we continued with our conversation, but a part of my brain continued to examine my third answer.

why do i enjoy sex so much? and why do i have such a strong drive to seek it out? i wonder if there is more to it aside from being a "sex maniac". at seventeen, when i first started having sex - the answer was simple (and cliched).

teenage rebellion.

i grew up in a strict, fundamentalist household. rigid curfews, bible classes, a continuous moratorium on having fun - the whole nightmare. also? i was, quite literally, being raised with the intention of becoming a minister.

(yeah - i know)

sometimes i try to imagine myself in the guise of a religious shepard. i envision sensible slacks (dockers, perhaps?) and a conservative tie. but the image always blurs - and through the responsible clothes i always see a dirty jockstrap and a chain-link harness.

like most queers, i knew long ago that i was a homo. but as with any repressed christian - i was doing my hardest to bury it. i limited myself to jack-off sessions that were drenched with equal amounts of cum and guilt.

but then, two months shy of my eighteenth birthday i "discovered" gay sex. i've been a sexual pizarro ever since.

that first, furtive blowjob quickly gave way to guy-on-guy fucking. conventional fucking gave way to to 3-ways and groups. which led to role play. role play gave way to dom/sub sex. and that was a gateway into pig play (watersports, crisco, spit, restraints). and then finally to that undiscovered taboo: barebacking.

(see? apparently gay sex does lead to depravity!)

and then there are the lays. i've played with guys in the 20s, 30s and 40s. even a small handful in their 50s (don't hate - their bodies were killer). short dudes. tall. white. black. purple. you get the idea.

i've sexed my way through my late teens and twenties. as of this past fall - i am now fucking through my thirties. ten years later and sex is still a new frontier. forever a (very) wild west.

each guy, each group, every encounter is, quite literally, like fucking for the first time. for me, each sexual experience is a brand new sensory experience.

how else would i have learned that the first time a dude pissed a hot stream on my chest that i would get one of the biggest hard ons i will ever remember? or that the feeling of sliding into a tight, raw hole would become a habit instead of an unacted fetish? even the dress code is always brand new. wearing a jock'n'cock (with or without grinders). a wrestling singlet. or wearing nothing but my own sweat.

and that's why i enjoy sex so much - probably more than anything with the exception of reading or writing (creatively).

it never loses its potency. sex is the one thing i am never jaded about.

happy holidays

there's a few of you i've yet to email back - but i promise i will shortly. my apologies for the neglect. i'm not trying to be an ass - holiday obligations preclude getting to emails the way i ought to.

(private) words will come.

in the meantime, hope you all have a great new year's.

generation blackberry

so what do i spy on an elevator's "captivate" screen when heading into work?

douglas coupland. in an ad for blackberry.

the novelist of "generation x", "shampoo planet", "micro serfs", "eleanor rigby" and several other fantastic novels doing an ad for blackberry. a product that typifies the hyperstressed careerist. a product that implies (if not outright yells) "taking time away from your work email is foolish and you should be accessing your emails 24/7."

the novel "generation x" successfully captured mid-90s slackerdom and 20-something ennui. it, of course, sparked the famous catchphrase (which coupland spurned for quite a while). this is the novel that coined such memorable and lively terms like "mcjobs" (a job you deliberately choose because it is beneath your skill set), "emotional ketchup burst" (repressing an emotion - namely anger - till it bursts outward. like a ketchup packet) and "veal fattening pens" (a work cubicle).

douglas coupland is significant to me for a few reasons. as a very impressionable 15 year old, reading "generation x" made me realize the following:

1. that not only did i enjoy reading but i also loved writing
2. made me realize that my ambition to be a yuppy would suck my soul out of my body and make me a heartless, cruel demon
3. said change in career made me realize i should go into something directly (or intrinsically tied) to being creative
4. most importantly, the characters in "generation x" made me realize that yes - it is okay to be an eccentric (albeit a hot one)

does this mean andy, dag and claire have left their start-up hotel in mexico and given in to corporate culture? do they have blackberrys now? are they stressed out because some intern has not gotten them an excel spreadsheet? or worse - their coffee? such thoughts alternately gross me out and make me sad.

plus, douglas coupland used to be cute (in a "yes, i went to bennington" sort of way). now he looks as if he...i don't know...paints clowns or something.

maybe i'm just getting old.

the jump off

last night i went to a sex party.

the host had invited me several times this year - but i've always backed out at the last moment. truth be told, i've never been one for sex parties. in theory, they sound promising. but the logistics involved are the same as having a three way - magnified by the number of dudes attending.

but i've developed a taste for fucking used holes, so i figured i'd give it a go.

the start time was set at 10pm, so i got there around 10:40. i figured by that point most people would already be naked and fucking.

i was wrong on the second point.

there was about fifteen dudes there. most were stripped down to jockstraps or underwear. porn was playing in every room. a sling (my personal favorite) was set up in the second bedroom. but everyone was milling around. chatting.

this was something that needed to change asap.

i had earmarked two different dudes that i wanted to fuck. there was a short latin dude who was loaded with big slabs of muscle and a noticeable lack of body hair. there was also a twenty-ish twinky-looking guy who was toned but not muscled. who, despite his baby face, kept throwing me looks that said he clearly was a dirty bitch.

like i mentioned, jumping off a sex party is difficult. unless you're at a party where everyone is a total pig, tweaked out, or both - getting people to start messing around is a task. and although the hard-ons i saw on dudes indicated they wanted to start fucking - no one was willing to be the first to throw down.

luckily, i have no shame.

aside from being barefoot - i still had on my tee and jeans. after doing another walkabout, i went back to the living room. there was an older dude (mid 40s are so) with an above average bod/face sitting on the couch. after catching his eye, i walk over to him. i don't say a word. i just stand and stare.

i start removing my clothes. slowly. i take my tee off. unbutton my jeans and pull them off. flick my briefs off and away. i look him in the eye the entire time i do this. and to his credit, he holds my stare and doesn't blink. by the time i'm down to nothing - he has a full hard-on.

i kneel down and immediately start giving him head. because i’m concentrating on giving him head, i'm only peripherally aware of the room - but i'm aware enough to know its gone quiet.

i focus back on the guy's dick - do my job. lots of spit. deep throat action - bob my head and mouth to swallow his dick. work his balls with both my hands and mouth. it's average width - but long. he's pre-cumming alot too. i let it slide down my throat.

something is suddenly in my immediate peripheral vision. i look over and there's a dick thisclose to my face. it's rude, but i'm feeling my role as dicksucker so i take it in my mouth. the first dude moves away.

after a minute the new guy pulls out of my mouth - apologizes and says he was getting close. i shrug - and reassure him that i understand if he wants to save his load. i get up and see that everyone is now in various states of messing around. some dudes are merely making out or giving each other head. some are already fucking.

and that's when i spy the dude i was just blowing. he's currently on the floor - fucking twinky.

i go over. merely watch. head-dude is lying down flat on the floor - with twinky sitting on his dick and slowly riding it. head-dude sees me watching, points at my dick and then at twinky's ass. i point at my dick as well, and smack it around in my hand.

he stares and nods, and seems to get it. my dick curves downward. fucking twinky from behind in the position he currently is in won't work.

he looks at twinky dude. twinky looks over as I start stroking myself. "you see that cock?" he askes? his voices matches his look - firm and authoritative. he sounds like a dad.

he continues. "in a minute, his cock and mine is going to be up your ass. and you know what? you're going to like it."

without saying a word, twinky just nods. i nearly pop my load right then.

true enough, we're soon double fucking twinky. i'm getting off on being in twinky's stretched hole - all hot and wet with lube and our pre-cum. i can also feel head-dude's dick rubbing against mine. at one point i close my eyes, enjoying the moment.

and that's when i feel a flash of a camera.

my eyes fly open. it's the host, crouched next to us - digital camera in hand. all three of us sit/lie/crouch there - hilariously frozen. twinky looks annoyed. head-dude is pissed.

he pulls out of twinky, clomps out the living room. his dick felt awesome crammed next to mine - but i also don't mind too much because twinky's hole has now constricted fully around my dick.

"you cool with this?" i ask twinky, nodding my head towards the camera.
he's closes his eyes - i'm assuming to concentrate on enjoying my dick. "yeah, man. i don't care."
i turn to look at the host. "as long as my face isn't the picture, i'm cool."
"no problem."
i turn back to my boy. "ready to get fucked?"

is he ever. i get him on his back so i can pound him with ease. he's a pig about it too - pounding my chest, slamming his ass into my dick and pubes as we fuck. he's the same height as me, but he curls his body in a way so my body completely drapes over him as we fuck. it's a somewhat intimate position - but it feels good. and the sweating and grunting makes it an interesting combo of intimate and dirty. i say "he's my bitch boy" (or variations thereof) quite a bit - which he definitely seems to get off on. i plant my fists on either side of his head and we do some fairly deep kissing while we fuck. a few times he's spits on my chest, traces the streams into my chest hair - sticks it into his mouth and mine. as all this is occurring, the digital camera flashes around us.

he cums first, and shoots a load across his sweaty chest. i bend in, eat some off, start pounding him again as i feed it back into his mouth. we pass his load back and forth in our mouths. i move into a crouch to pound him deep and drop a load into his ass.

he pushes himself up, but positioning himself so my dick is still in him. we get some personal space as the host moves away. our foreheads touch as we slow fuck so we can watch my load run out of his hole and around my dick.

we eventually pull apart, find some paper to exchange numbers and discuss fucking at a later date.

a little bit later, we're both in the room with the sling. this time though, i'm getting my dick sucked by the latin dude i saw earlier. twinky's in the sling, getting fucked by another dude. i idly wonder if my cum is serving as lube.

fuck lovemaking

this quote on a fleshbot post made me laugh:

"The content on this site is actually SEXY! I've heard some say that the site may be a little degrading to women but COME ON, fuck that silly emo, sensitive, loving making bullshit!...Most women want their men to be real MEN...What girl doesn't have a fantasy to get fucked like a whore at least once?"

even though she's referencing hetero porn - can we all say an "amen" to that statement? god knows i certainly have fantasties of fucking a guy like he's a whore. (oh wait...i already do.)

on a side note, said quote led me to this (hetero) porn site. but most important, it led me to this dude in particular.

clearly, i'm not getting enough punk boys in my daily intake.

i may be a pervert...but i'm a romantic pervert

i usually take online quizzes with a grain of salt, but i felt obligated to post this since it's so on point.

i mean, "...deeply depraved and perverted..."? is pretty fuckin' accurate.

as i told p1 last night when i showed him this - it essentially means i will give you flowers and then take a piss on you.

note: thanks to raven in nyc for the link to this.

blowing my...horn

the new ad agency i work for? kills. this position i took is exactly what i've wanted to be doing.

but the coolest thing? a certain cool-ass contributer wrote up my blog on fleshbot. fyi, fleshbot is a nationally read website that focuses on porn and/or sex.

i have a pretty decent amount of people reading - but since this write-up, my site stats blew up.

check it out.

getting on a morning train

as i've had a few days since i left my old position and starting my new - i've been killing time by being idle. visiting friends, spending time with p1, and excessively playing marvel: ultimate alliance.

and fucking anything with a (tight) hole, of course.

this morning, i found myself communicating with dude who was hyping himself as the main attraction for a gang-bang. based on his pictures he looked pretty decent: a (somewhat) short, very hairy guy with some seriously thick slabs of muscle. in one of his pictures, he was bent over - meaty ass in air - his hard dick bent over and peeking out from under his belly. it also looked as if he was bent over some sort of wood cobble-together made specifically for getting fucked at a 90 degree angle.

(gotta love the ingenuity some dudes will show to get plowed).

i was all set to fuck immediately, but he wanted to get as many tops as he could and promised to get back to me within 30 minutes. and while i certainly appreciated his enthusiasm, i also know the ratio of tops to bottoms in chicago (2:8) and had a feeling he would be searching for a good long while before lining up a significant amount of non-flaky tops.

as with all my online negotiations, i also was prepping a second (and third) dude for action. the second dude (a tall, even hairier fuck) wanted me to cum over and get involved in some seriously raunchy pig play and was pushing the exact buttons to get me hard. dude #3 was a smooth-bodied european-looking dude who was very vanilla - but was seriously turning my crank since he had a killer face and bod and was showing a lot of enthusiasm for some extended fucking.

i was locking in possible when/where with pig-dude (and determining whether to rain-check euro-bottom), when i get an email from gang-bang dude. i'm always wary of dudes who want to get gang-banged because the scenario usually turns out to be A: a crock of shit and/or B: has a top that is "competitive" and feels the need to "out-top" everyone else.

i ask gang-bang the specifics:

ME: how many dudes?
GB: five. maybe more. some may flake out.
ME: this really the real deal, dude? 'cuz i hate bullshit - and i have other dudes who are looking to get fucked.
GB: this is for real. you get here - you get in line to plow my hole.
ME: raw or wrapped?
GB: either. the options are open.

he gives me instructions and time to be there. 45 minutes (and two rain checks later), i find myself going into an alleyway to get to the basement of a brownstone. i have to crouch down to go down the outside stairs that lead to the basement. per his instructions, the screen door is propped open - but the security door is closed. i turn the knob and step in...

...and find myself four dudes deep in a line. GB is bent over the wood contraption that was in his second picture, getting his ass plugged. GB is stripped down to socks, tennis shoes, a jock and a tee shirt pushed up to his mid-back. the dude immediately following is a thuggish (but unbelievably hot) puerto rican who already has his dick out (which is huge and making my mouth water), stroking it one-handed while using the other to sniff at a bottle of poppers. the dude following this (and directly in front of me) is a white guy - hands in pockets watching GB get plowed.

i blow some warm air on my hands, pull my dick out, start stroking very slow. a draft of cold air and a muttered "holy shit" announces the arrival of dudes four and five. they don't seem to know each other, so i assume they arrived simultaneously by accident.

by this point, the first dude is already cumming, and is grinding himself into GB, as GB's thick legs are locked in a half-crouch around the makeshift. dude one slides out, his dick wet with lube and cum. as he leaves, the puerto rican dude immediately pushes in. GB's hole swallows this guy's dick. which is pretty impressive as the guy looks as if he is packing close to ten inches (his dick is clearly bigger than mine - and i'm no small fry at eight). puerto rican dude knows everyone is riveted (and rightfully so) and pulls out fully so we can all see his wet and glistening dick before it sinks back into GB's hairy hole. he's taking his time, occasionally sniffing his bottle of poppers as he fucks him. the platform bucks forward every time he slams into GB.

i'm rock hard now but decide not to stroke: i know if i touch my dick now i will totally shoot. puerto rican dude begins making noises, and sure enough he starts jerking forward slightly as he drops his load. at one point, he pulls out so only the head is in and some cum leaks out of GB's hole.

also by this point? my balls are hurting in an effort not to jack.

the show's not over. puerto rican dude swaggers in front of GB, pushes his dick - with strings of cum dripping off - into GB's mouth. as GB begins cleaning off the dude's dick, the guy in front of me goes ahead and slips his dick in. after getting head for about two minutes, the puerto rican dude pulls his pants up (no underwear, of course) and swaggers out without a word. i'm tempted to clap him on the back for a job well done, but decide not to.

the guy in front of me fucks GB conventionally. sadly, no variation in speed or technique. and he's dead silent as he does it too - just boom-boom-boom. he's done within minutes after the puerto rican left. he flicks his condom (!) off and leaves.

finally, my turn. i grit my teeth as i slide in: you can tell GB is stretched. while not exactly gaping, his hole is fairly loose - which isn't my favorite thing. but it’s to be expected in a gang-bang so i can’t complain. if i want a tight hole, i need to get there early or at least before someone with a donkey dick.

his hole is still hot and also filled with lube and cum, so it almost feels like my dick is swimming in an aquarium. like the rest of him, his hole is pretty hairy, and it’s a turn on to see the lube and drops of cum suspended in his ass hairs. i'm trying to take my time and slowly edge my way to cumming, but my mind keeps cycling back to the guy's 10 incher. finally, i find some focus and concentrate on my own dick and the hole that is (somewhat) puckered around it. as usual, i get off on the visual of the lube and spooge that has slicked up the shaft of my dick. GB is moaning, which tells me he is enjoying the ride as well.

i feel myself cumming and drop a load into GB's ass. i copy PR's move, and slide around to slip my dick into GB's mouth. he opens up and licks it clean. as he's doing this, the guy who was behind me is already sliding in GB's backdoor - another white guy who looks to be 40-ish with a decent face/body since he's already in GB, i don't even get to see how good/big his dick looks. the final dude is a preppy looking black guy. his dick (looking to be nine inches) is hanging out over the waistband of his track pants, precum slowly spooling out as he is stroking. his other hand has pulled his shirt up to reveal a seriously ripped mid-section. he catches me admiring both his dick and stomach - and winks. i grin back at him.

i pull out of GB's mouth, pull my pants up and head out.

procrastination fuck

sunday afternoon. sitting in front of my computer - procrastinating. type. type. stop. type. stop.

finally, decide to surf the web. made the "mistake" of going to drub's blog to read his posting about some illustrations he's sold (congrats, btw). and of course, seeing his art always makes me crazy horny. plus, i had just finished up a workout an hour earlier and my endorphin high from working out also always flips my switch.

after contemplating (and dismissing) jerking off, i get on manhunt. a few minutes in, i run into a guy i've fucked occassionally but hadn't seen in awhile. total dickhound. no matter the time of day i've talked to him - he's always hungry for it. i would consider him as a regular fuck bud - but i also get the feeling he's kinda a mess. so, unfortunately, i keep the fucking down to a minimum.

via IM, i ask him what he's up to.

HIM: looking to get pounded. want to help out?
ME: you have to ask? when's the last time you get fucked?
HIM: last night. still got a load in me. wanna use it as lube?

like i said - dickhound. and a dirty whore on top of it. which is, of course, right up my alley. he's also interactive when getting fucked (i have an aversion to "passive" bottoms), so i know he'll not only take my dick - he''ll also vocalize how much he's enjoying getting plugged. we discuss "instructions", and i tell dickhound i'll be at his place within the hour.

DH: why an hour? cum now.
ME: i gotta shower. just worked out.
DH: don't bother. you know i like you dirty.

of course, being the (excellent) dickhound he is, he knows that sort of statement is a sure fire way to get me hard. and then he throws this gem in:

DH: when you come over to fuck me, keep on the jockstrap you wore when you worked out. so you can wear it as you fuck me.

a quick train ride later, i'm at his place. get buzzed in - head up. the door is already open. i make my way to the bedroom, dropping my coat, track pants, and tee along the way. by the time i get to the doorway, i'm down to my jock - semi-hard dick hanging over the waistband - my cock ring choking it at the base.

he's exactly how i ask him to be: stripped naked, face down, ass thrusted up - all framed by the white jock he's also wearing. as usual, i can't take my eyes off his ass. DH has an average face/body/dick - but he has one of the most fuckable looking asses i've ever seen/fucked. round and firm in all the right places - it's damn near perfect. and tight. every time i've slid in him - it always feels like it's the first time he's ever been fucked.

he's also followed my other instructions: an open jar of crisco sits on the covers next to him. i get on the bed, scoop out a dollop, rub it on my dickhead. he curves around slighty, gives me a grin, and strokes the crisco up and down my dick. he keeps his hand gripped tight as he greases it - his hand and the crisco making fucking noises as he strokes it - getting me rock hard.

(and in that second, despite said messiness, i reconsider him as a potential fuck bud)

i grip my dick at the base, begin to slide it in. his hole swallows my dickhead. i can feel my dick throb as he flexes around it.

"awww....fuck." amusingly, we both say that in unison.

i slide in further - mid-shaft. as i do this...milky fluid froths out of his hole and around my dick.

ME: fuckin' pig.
DH: (squeezes hole) is that a complaint?
ME: (laughs) of course fuckin not.

his hole is just how i like it. tight. sloppy. hot. and i can feel cum all around my dick. i pull out and slam all the way in so the cum squirts out into my pubes. he's facing away from me (we're fucking doggy) so i grab the front of his thighs and jerk him up and back so i'm i can drill all the way in. i'm eight inches, and my dick curves downward instead of up - so bottoms usually need a moment to adjust when i fuck them behind. not this dude - he squeezes his ass periodically but otherwise takes my entire dick like a pro. more cum leaks out - mixes with my pube hair. as i start thrusting deep, i zone out to the wet noises my dick and his ass are making. he's panting through clenched teeth. then he says:

DH: fuck me rough?

i don't even answer: i'm prepped to oblige him. i start to pound him hard.

have you ever had one of those lays where the more you fucked (or got fucked) the harder you (or the top) got? that was what happened. it was like being on one of those vertical treadmills at the airport: the harder i fucked him - the further i got from cumming. plus, he was still working his hole: flexing it and thrusting himself back on my dick.

eventually, i pull him up so his body is parallel to mine - and he grabs the headboard to steady us. if it's a good fuck i tend to sweat (alot) - and this was no exception. sweat was also pouring off him as well - and all the while he's moaning for me to fuck him harder. with one hand i grab onto his hip bone - the other goes to his head to snag a handful of hair. name-calling is initiated: "dirty bitch", "cum bucket", "fuckin' bottom" is bandied about. we begin to pick up some serious speed as i ride him like a bitch. in a matter of minutes, he is getting plowed.

i feel myself starting to cum. i reach for his his legs and jerk them back to drill deeper. his hands fly off the headboard and he drops onto the mattress. i lean over him to pin his arms down in a spread-eagle position on the mattress.

ME: you want this load, fucker?
DH: do it, man. fuckin' give it to me.

still holding him by his wrists, i arch my ass up to jack-hammer my cum into him. we're both groaning like maniacs. i feel myself drop a huge load. every time my dick twitches out more, i slam down deeper into him.

finally, i slide out. he turns around to face me.

DH: jesus. that was certainly different. not that i'm complaining, though. i fuckin' loved it.
ME: sorry, bud. it's been a while. i was horny.
DH: yeah, i figured that out. maybe you need to take a sabbatical from sex more often so you can do that to me regularly.

we both laugh. he looks down - i follow his gaze. his hole looks pretty worn out. its real sloppy with cum, crisco and sweat. cum is still running out. he runs a finger around his hole, sopping up the stream - and sticks it in his mouth.

he finger fucks his mouth - pulls it out and sticks it in his ass. "man, i love sunday brunch."

world aids day: 2006

today is world AIDS day, folks. go here or here for info and what you can do to help.

fight the disease & help find a cure.

even if activism is not your "thing" - there are always ways to help combat this. buy a (red) product. or remember to let people in your life who are impacted by HIV/AIDS know that you're there for them.

perhaps you think me a hypocrite as an acknowledged bareback top for posting this. and if that's the case....fuck off and read another blog then.